My Enemy

I hate those days when you just feel like the whole world is against you. Especially if it's because of the people you love and who love you.

When you look at me don’t think about the girl before,

Know that your little sweet heart isn’t here anymore,

She has been replaced by a soldier marching tall,

And I will keep on marching until I win or fall,

My mirror is the battleground which is raging strong,

My reflection is the enemy who is in the wrong,

And behind her in the frosted glass I see her allies,

My family and friends become guerrillas, become spies,

Watching my every move, I turn and they are there,

All these faces surround me, pretending that they care,

‘You need food to live or you will end up ill,

Is that really what you want?’ Shooting words to kill,

I try to explain but they all refuse to see,

That it’s this fat, this ugliness that is killing me,

And for a moment I loose my footing and slide into the trench,

Because there is nobody behind me, waiting on the bench,

To be called forwards, all guns blazing, to fight,

My corner because thin is more than a size; it’s a right,

And even though my loneliness is killing me inside,

I hang on in there, I have already stumbled and cried,

And now I say no more, I will not surrender to defeat,

And so I will eat to live; not live to eat,

They may have strength in number and make a stand,

An army marching forward, like minds, hand in hand,

But I can take them, I will resist unafraid,

Growing stronger within this body that I made,

I start to feel feverish, I shake, my senses all unwind,

My body is growing frail but my power's from my mind,

It comes from determination and will power to succeed,

Whilst the opposing army is weighed down by their greed,

But they are just the reinforcements, my real enemy,

Is that girl within the mirror who I used to think

Was me.

© the sacred wasteland. Poem written my me.

Before and After Celeb Thinspo

They're famous, worth millions of dollars, have papparrazi following them but you are just as good as them. You are worth just as much. If they can do it so can you, I believe in you.

My new obsession

Green Tea!

Most ana sites recomend coffee but it is now proven that Green Tea helps your metabolism more. Coffee does speed up your metabolism but it's effects are pretty short, whereas the catechins in Green Tea stay in your system for much longer so the effects are longer. Green tea is also very high in polyphenol which burns raw fats and sugars which would usually become fat. It also coats fat cells so that more can't be absorbed. So all round it burns fat. It also phycs you up so you can exercise for longer without being exhausted. And of course there's the caffine content -the only thing in coffee that aids weight loss.

So that's the science, and for once the claims seem to be true. I've been drinking 10-20 cups a day and have noticed a greater weight loss and have never been able to work out for so long. It is amazing! But it's not just this that is beneficial. I've found it to be really good on fasting days and it's stopped me feeling drained of energy. And when I am hungry I just drink a cup and feel fine. I think it's something about hot drinks that helps you feel fuller. It works pretty well as a cleanser as well. I love it, love it, love it. You can buy so many flavours, the vast majority under 1 calorie, and some even taste slightly sweet even though they don't have sugars in. So have tea if you have a craving.

Just found a figure, drinking 5 cups a day boosts metabolism by 20%! Anyway, just wanted to spread the word. :)

100 Reasons

Whenever I feel like my motivation is slipping I make a list of 100 reasons why this is important. I don't stop writing until I have a hundred. I wrote this list last night after I binged, at about 3.20am. Guess it was like a punishment. I'm going to keep this list in my pocket so I have it always. It makes me feel stronger if I'm always carrying The reasons around with me.

1.waste less time eating

2 clothes are better fit

3 look good in almost everything

4 look cute with a pixie crop J

5 makes you look younger

6 look better dancing

7 become more elegant and dainty

8 can finally fit those clothes in wardrobe (and annies pretty things)

9 thin is healthier than obesity

10 boys like you more

11 face will become prettier

12 people can pick you up

13 discipline is a good attribute

14 can be proud of self for achievement

15 will help confidence

16 will be more comfortable with intimacy

17 people may find me more beautiful

18 spend less money on food, more for other things

19 will finally like my reflection

20 can wear bikinis etc

21 spend less time shaving cos of less skin

22 wont sweat as much

23 can run faster

24 will stop hiding away in house

25 wont cry because of weight

26 people will stop seeing me as the ‘fat’ girl

27 can get through crowds easilier

28 more feminine if thin

29 looks more striking

30 possibility of modelling

31 wont live for food anymore but for other things

32 probably help my social life

33 people will notice my personality more than my looks

34 decrease obesity statistics in England. Government even benefits

35 can help mum (trying to loose weight) along the way

36 make friends by using support systems

37 will be quieter/stealthy when I walk

38 can sit on peoples knees without being afraid of crushing them

39 people admire restraint

40 people will admire how hard you’ve worked

41 will go shopping to buy clothes that fit. New clothes!

42 can stop purging

43 thin brings out your features, ie facial features, legs etc

44 you wont sag so much when you’re older

45 I want to be the best I can be, not mar my potential by being fat

46 For once all eyes will be on me. Everyone sees the thin girl

47 can exercise without getting tired so fast

48 can walk longer because im not carrying the weight

49 no more crying because im ugly and fat

50 will prove myself to everyone who doubted me

51 will feel happy even in places with people I don't know

52 priceless moment of meeting people again who knew me fat

53 great feeling of throwing out fat clothes

54 can put on shorts, short skirts etc

55 live longer

56 live happy

57already wasted so much of life being fat, time to change

58 can get on with my life

59 no more depression

60 stop feeling stupid because I cant do things thin people can

61 wont feel ashamed anymore because I cant be such a simple thing that others do easily

62 No stress when getting dressed, look good always

63 spend less time trying to look good with make up etc thin always looks good just on its own

64 wont buy clothes anymore because I think they make me look thinner

65 wont be envious of other girls anymore

66 don’t have to feel shit about dating people who are thinner than me

67 will be more like the nudes in the paintings I adore (I'm an art student)

68 no more looking around, feeling like fattest girl in the room

69 can think about something else than my weight

70 can buy sexy underwear

71 no more beating myself up over weight

72 more energy

73 To stop cancelling plans because I have nothing to wear. Feel ashamed

74 will have confidence to go places on my own

75 to buy bras that actually fit

76 to become flat and beautiful, bones are beautiful

77 to love myself for once

78 prove to myself that I can do anything If I put my mind to it

79 to actually savour food by eating small amounts

80 so I wont feel bloated and gross anymore

81 I will be someone of action rather than talk

82 others hate it when people have weight issues-talk about their weight/ insecurities etc

83 I’ve lost some weight already, time to follow through

84 I wont be an embarrassment to others

85 if I do this now I could get over this fatness and be thin for rest of my life

86 I owe myself this

87 I will feel like its worth taking pride in myself

88 I either do this or give up on myself forever

89 Bones are clean and pure 

90 Obtain inner and outer beauty

91 hair will look longer on thin person

92 Thin people are more successful look at actors, models, even art's about appearence

93 more likely to get a job if thin

94 the boyfriend I want wouldn’t go for a fat girl

95 in my dreams I am not FAT

96 people will admire and see me in the same way I see thing girls, with awe

97 happy body =happy soul

98 look better in photographs

99 no cellulite

100 You're worth this and deserve happiness.

Dear Diary

I feel absoultely worthless. Yesterday was a disaster and today has followed. I binged, I didn't stop. Why do I do it! With every single piece of food I put in my mouth I feel more disgusting and repulsive. I purged as much as I could, but obviously not enough. I have put on more than a lb since yesterday. I am going to go for a run and am going to fast today. As always it was triggered. A boy asked me on a date on Friday and I guess I just freaked out. I've always wanted a relationship. I have had a few but none that work. And this guy seems so sweet, like a real gentleman and that's what scared me. My past relationships have been abusive or complete facades. But he's different; and I can't believe he could like someone like me. I was trying on clothes. looking for an outfit and I looked so hideous and ugly in everything. I went downstairs, got all the food I could carry, sat on my bed and cried as I consumed the contents of the kitchen cupboard. I mean, wtf, as though that is helping. Now I am going to look even worse on Friday. I don't think I will go.

Dear Diary

Guess I should introduce myself as this is my first diary post. My name is Millie, I am nineteen years old and have had a binge eating disorder, bulimia and a compulsive over-eating disorder for three years. The combination of these has made loosing weight a real struggle. Some days I just wish I was annorexic, at least then I would be thin by now. But I can't do this anymore and I HAVE to take control; I have to be the person I know I should be. I used to join other people's blogs and ana sites but have decided to make my own. Because of my weight anorexics don't take me seriously; some deny I have a problem because if I did I would be thinner. Some have claimed I am a wannarexic. They don't take into consideration the nature of my various disorders. Anyway, this blog is here for people with any disorder, who are any weight because I know better than anyone, eating disorders aren't about your weight but your mind. Anyway, I really want to set up a support network on this blog, so become a member and together we can achieve anything. :)

Height:5'9"
CW:165lbs  BMI:24.4
HW:189lbs
LW:140lbs
GW:125lbs   BMI:18.5
STGW:150lbs

Beautiful Bones

So beautiful. I cannot wait until I have bones like these women.